I never had trouble meeting new people: making new friends, getting into relationships.
But I always struggle to maintain them.
Eventually, the communication would break down, people would leave, and I would be alone.
It took a long time to admit it, but it was my fault, or at least mostly.
The people in my life didn’t feel like I was invested in them.
Now that wasn’t true, but doesn’t matter.
It’s not enough to care about somebody. It’s not enough to understand them.
They have to feel understood, they have to feel cared about.
And I wasn’t doing that.
…
So how do you do perspective taking?
How is somebody feeling about our interaction?
So if you want to get to know someone’s emotional perspective, one of the simplest way to do it, ask.
Ask questions.
Too often we’re afraid to ask people questions because we feel like it will be rude, or somehow they won’t want to answer, but we underestimate people’s willingness to answer our questions.
Now, if you’re going to learn this, it’s important not simply to ask questions.
But to listen to the answers, and listen to understand.
Don’t just listen to respond, or to reply.
This is where I went wrong most in my life, I think.
But too often we listen to people only with the intention of coming up with something clever to say so as soon as their lips stop, we can jump in and say our thing.
We’ve all done it, we’re all guilty, but I did this especially badly. And I think to the detriments of my relationships.
So you can start to learn this technique:
- ask questions
- listen to understand the answers
When you do that I think you’ll find you can make better, more meaningful connections with people, personally and professionally.
It drastically improved my life, and I really believe it can improve yours.
